Remember that classic line in Top Gun when Stinger gets right in Maverick's face and barks "Son, your ego is writing cheques your body cant cash!!!"
The ink has only just dried on the most recent cheque that my ego wrote: I put my hand up to do the kayak leg of the Rapid Ascent Augusta Adventure Race. There are a number of problems with this.
The first is that I don't kayak; or rather can't. The extent of my understanding of this sport could easily be scribed into the back of a Dispirin with a pick. Earlier this year we purchased four kayaks for the family to enjoy down at the river and we managed to use them twice before they were all stolen. But I have three months to learn so I guess I will be OK - won't I?
Friday just past it was time to gear up so I could commence my rigorous three month training regime. As is always the way with recreational pursuits, the number of items you consider absolutely essential at the precise time you decide to engage in the sport are very few. For me, I imagined I would need a paddle and a kayak so I set about finding both. I got lucky!These two items came as a pair and they both match in a lovely shade of faded mauve. The number of kayaks for sale second hand accurately reflects the number of people who attempt this sport, fail dismally and give up. This leaves them with 5.7m plastic or fibreglass garden ornament that sits unwanted and unloved until such time as they find some other sucker (me) to on-sell it to in a vain attempt to recover what appears, at the moment, to be a very large some of money.
When considering which Kayak I should buy I sought advice from a friend at work who had been through the kayak selection process only recently. He said three words: stability, stability, stability. What I heard was cheap, cheap, cheap. As a consequence I have just purchased a second hand 'Stinger' which the previous owner clearly espoused on the advert was, and I quote "tippy and not for beginners".
The second fundamental problem is that I am very scared of sharks. Did I mention this is an ocean race?
I have annotated the course route (above) with icons that best represent how I feel the race will progress for me. Starting in the inlet, my heart will be racing at about 190 bpm when I finally realise what my ego has gotten me into. The second icon represents the turbulence that I will need to negotiate as the river meets the mighty and unforgiving southern ocean: here I suspect I will drown several times. Next I will get eaten by a shark in the cold shallow waters of the bay and then I will likely be struck by an ocean liner out in deeper water. When I finally head back toward the safety of dry land I will feel like I have been run over by a bus when I realise that it is not over and I still have to paddle along the coast through the crashing waves. If I ever reach the finish line I am certain my shoulders will explode with a ferocity that parallels the eruption of Mt Vesuvius.
Today I am taking my kayak to the river to attempt to sit on it for the first time. If you never see another blog posted by Mitch Ladyman, it will be because the cheque bounced.
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