What Have I Got To Lose

Nobody can take my University qualifications away from me. Nobody can delete 'Dr.' from in front of my name. Nobody can un-publish my scientific articles that are published in peer-reviewed scientific journals. Nobody at Animal Plant Mineral can demote me or give me 'The Sack' because.......well, because I own the company. In fact, I don't think that even the tax man can take the business away from me because we are model business citizens that pay our taxes on time or early!

So what have I got to lose?

I have featured as a guest on four documentaries that have incorporated tiger snakes into an episode. The Snake Crusader, Animal X, Deadly 60 and Hello Birdy. So you can imagine how enthusiasm was lacking when an American production company contacted me to feature on yet another one.

Whatever enthusiasm I could muster promptly vaporised when I heard those, oh so familiar, words: "We are a low budget production company and we cannot afford to pay you".
That is Production speak for "We have plenty of money for lattes on set every half hour but we are not going to give you any money because we are tight arses and if you don't want to be in our documentary for free we will find someone who does"

Should I have said no? Well, yes and here is a summary of all the reasons why doing low budget wildlife documentaries or working with venomous snakes whilst on camera has caused me no end of grief:

• In 2003 I squirted a host with venom by accident and he made such a song and dance about it on camera that I could barely contain myself. I know documentaries are meant to entertain, but pretending to be in danger from having venom contact your skin is lunacy.
• In 2012 I got tagged on the jeans by an agitated tiger snake whilst I was demonstrating the defensive behaviour of a Tiger Snake. The objective of the exercise was to show how a snake will retreat when threatened or settle completely in the absence of any threatening movement. The demo did not go as it had gone the thousand times prior. It was uploaded to YouTube by Nova 93.7 and a total of 58, 000 have watched it. I copped it from the trolls for weeks, if not months for agitating an already agitated snake. I have done this many, many times, but in this instance it was simply a case of being in an awkward, confined and overstimulating environment and the snake was not able to settle. Click here if you want to be the 58, 001st person to view the footage.
• In 2013 I was shooting another doco on Carnac Island. I was asked two questions. The questions and answers were as follows:
1. How many silver gull chicks would a single tiger snake eat in a week: The answer is around 5, which I know from stomach palpating hundreds of individuals on the island during the silver gull hatching period.
2. How many gull chicks would the entire population consume in a year: The answer is several thousand. We know that the adult population numbers over 400 and they feed for at least six to eight weeks a year.
• Unfortunately the production company stuffed the editing of the answers to the questions making me look like an idiot. On TV this is how it goes: Host "How many chicks would a snake eat in a week" Me the snake expert "Several thousand"
• I could go on......
• .....................but I wont

 When you are in the spotlight you might think you look like this:

In reality it is a lot more like this:

I accept that to be the case and, as such, I agreed to do this documentary. Whatever comes of it, I am glad I did it as I was able to go to, what I think, is one of the most amazing places in Australia. Moreover, the field film and production crew were the most fantastic bunch of blokes. 

This documentary is called Natural Born Monsters, so you can imagine it is not really going to put a cute and cuddly spin on the snakes. Whatever the case, I am certain that I put enough energy, joy and enthusiasm into my role as guest presenter to water down any editorial portrayal of snakes as the spawn of Satan. We shall see.

But what I am more looking forward to is the reaction of the Trolls to this series; not just my episode but all 13 episodes shot all around the world. One of the reasons I most enjoyed making this documentary was that it was never meant to be a purely factual documentary. So, in effect, I was an actor rather than a guest presenter. And, damn it, I had a lot of fun with that.

Natural Born Monsters will be about myth and legend than facts and figures. I wonder if the Trolls will actually realize this? Or will they be so stupid and narrow minded that they will overlook the intent of the series (its genre) and embark on a vitriolic attack on my knowledge and my integrity as a scientist. 

In September 2015 we shall have our answer.